Southern Discomfort

I hope you are okay, and I am sorry for your loss, and your husbands loss, and for the loss of everyone in Barbara Seiberts community who will mourn her.

x

Thanks very much.

It's weird how many ways I was connected to Barbara. I probably met her at some point and don't remember. I reached out to a friend and former colleague in Williamsburg who has worked in DV/SA for many years and knew Barbara. I'll let you know if I hear anything interesting from her.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. 53 is so young! ((hugs))

A colleague of Barb's from when she was at the Victim-Witness Assistance Program, a woman named Nancy Bolash, spoke very eloquently about Barb's work on DV and related issues at the funeral mass today. I'd talked with Barb about the work often enough, but the most common context for our communicating was around family events that didn't lend themselves to delving deeply into such discussions. So it was good for me to hear from this woman about this other part of her life, which I'd had the outlines for in someways but not much filled in.

Toward the end of what she shared there was something about how she'd cared for so many others that she left little time to care for herself. That certainly rang true. (But how I wish it didn't.)

Over time I hope I can assemble a clearer picture of Barb in all her dimensions, what she excelled at and what she struggled with. In families (even my husband's, which by my standards is a pretty healthy family), it can be so hard to get through the silences to understand what has really transpired. I had some idea, for instance, that things were going badly for Barb over this last year but no specific indication of ill health on this level until literally last month. So even while it makes some sense, I'm in shock.

What hit me hardest today was seeing her husband at the gravesite. He looked like he wanted to crumble, but too, he has to keep it together for Carolyn, who, although she's 19 or so, I'm not sure fully understands what's happened. And whatever she does understand, she may not be able to express (she is severely autistic) in ways I'm able, immediately, to recognize. So it's just her and her dad now, and I can't imagine their grief.

FWIW, I sent Barb's husband a copy of Donald Hall's Without, one of my favorite collections of poems regardless of subject matter (coming to terms with the death of his wife, another among my favorite poets: Jane Kenyon). I've given it to people before in situations like this, even when they weren't ordinarily inclined to read poetry at all and (although it's possible they were just being polite, because really, what do you do in that situation, with everyone wanting to assuage a pain for you that cannot possibly be assuaged?) I've heard that they've found real comfort in it.

Anything you do learn, do feel free to forward on by whatever means feels most appropriate to you - thanks very much for your concern, and your words, which are indeed a comfort to me.